Don't DM me, I'll DM you

There’s an old Hollywood saying, “Don’t call me, I’ll call you”.  Uttered from the mouth of the casting director, this was a polite way of letting the actor know they weren’t right for the part.

Fast forward to 2015, I find myself on social media; something I avoided since its onset.  I didn’t even carry a cell phone until a few years ago.  Friends and family members have begged me to join Face Book, LinkedIn, and Instagram to no avail. 

Personal bandwidth is always thin, and I just had no interest in connecting with people virtually; becoming involved in virtual games of “friending” and “unfriending” (aka “high school behavior”), or hearing the grueling minutiae of someone’s daily routine. 

I thought going on Twitter would be different, because I could follow and not “be followed”, obtain what is my only source of news, baseball scores, golf news, and be somewhat aware of what was going on in the world around me.  And follow a public figure or two. 

I don’t have time to watch television in general.  If I skip work or golf leagues, I can watch OnDemand, in one sitting time convenient to me, and in binge mode.  It isn’t an overstatement to say that sometimes I operate in my own orbit because I have no additional capacity to pay attention.  I am tapped out and can absorb no more.  At times I am acutely focused to the exclusion of all else.  It is both a skill and a danger.  It’s one of the many downsides to working in IT.  Work comes before life, and life interests outside of work is neither encouraged nor allowed.  And this is true across all fields that have an IT function.  Whether in marketing, insurance, finance or healthcare industries, the situation has always been the same no matter who paid me.  I can change my employer but I can’t change the circumstances.   And taking pay cuts doesn’t help.  They expect you to work just as hard, and for less compensation!  That has been the case since the 2008 economic downturn.

Over 21 professional years, I altered my career focus from application developer (11 years) to a business systems analyst (8 years) to a technical writer (2 years).  Moving into an analyst role and then a writer afforded me substantially more personal time to pursue my passion for golf (3-5 days a week) because I start my work shift before the sun comes up and am on the golf course by 3:00, having already put in an 8-9 hour day when some are just going to lunch.  I telecommute the majority of the week, wear pj’s and slippers, and conduct business 99% through web conferencing and telephone from my home, since clients in other time zones and other continents have no idea where I am anyway.  I could be in Timbuktu for all they care.  Occasionally I make an appearance in the office.  It’s actually a pretty good set-up.

Managers and co-workers who start their shifts at 10am hate it that I’m already going to lunch when they start, but I don’t give a shit.  They have to get on my calendar within the first 2-3 hours of their shift, otherwise it waits until the next day.  It’s all about priorities.  I choose life balance.  I have no interest in working 10-6, sitting in 2 hours of traffic, cooking and then eating dinner at 8 and going to bed on a full stomach, which gives me agita` and is just not a healthy lifestyle.  I have other interests outside of work.  I have at least eight extra productive hours in my day than any of my coworkers.  I am tired as hell most of the time, and am a zombie having hallucinations by Thursday, downing at least 5 cups of coffee by 10am, but it’s worth it to me.  I jam pack a lot between 4:30am-11pm.  It's tiring at times, but it's balanced.

What I wasn’t prepared for on Twitter is what I consider a lack of boundaries.  I come from a very different time and I have yet to determine what ever happened to old-fashioned courtesy.  I’m not talking about male chivalry. I’m very capable of opening my own door, pulling out my own seat, paying my own check, and paying his check too.   I have always exceeded my partners’ earning rates, so I have never expected someone else to carry me.   To me, THAT seems old-fashioned and just gives all females an unwarranted reputation for the few who do expect such treatment.  I don’t want to owe anyone anything.  Sometimes dependency carries an unwelcome price.  I am fiercely independent in this regard.

People generalize that New Yorkers are rude and inpatient, but I disagree (to an extent).  Having lived in the bay area since 1999, I have never been so aware of a lack of manners than since living here.  There isn’t a day or an hour that someone’s behavior doesn’t shock me, and worse, the fact they don’t know what they did and why it was wrong.  Complete oblivion.  I’m not sure if it is because the bay area is a melting pot of cultures and ethnicities, and we are from different states or countries trying to co-existing together, or if the entire planet is out of alignment. 

I have learned to be more patient and more tolerant of differences for sure, to let rude behavior slide, since correcting it would make no difference, and allowing someone to control your mood is not good in the long run.  Ride BART one day and you’ll see exactly what I mean.  In any public setting, count how many times a door slams in your face when the person in front of you doesn’t hold the door open, walks on your side of the sidewalk or hall, walks through your door when you open it for yourself and they just don’t know the correct side to walk on in the first place, cuts in front of you, steps on you, etc.   Manners have completely gone the way of Beta cassette tapes.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful and flattered for the Twitter response I have received and for the increasing followers day after day.  (And I anticipate I will lose a few after this post).  Response has been completely unexpected and I have courteously followed back every person that follows me, even if I don’t know who they are or what their platform is.  When I follow back, I actually haven’t even seen that person's tweets yet!  As followers increase, the timeline has also blown up, requiring hours of time to sift through tweets to find who I actually am following.  I anticipate it will only get harder as the numbers increase.

What I am struggling with is if there is some Twitter etiquette manual somewhere.  Why does a courteous follow back result in an immediate uninvited Direct Message (“DM”) from a person I don’t know, have no familiarity with what they are on Twitter for, and the further insult of a link, a personal plug or a request for me to do something or buy something? or go somewhere else?   To me, this is an example of extremely poor etiquette. 

Just like communication by phone, a person should say hello and make small talk before taking additional advances or jumping right into their shpeal or trying to sell me something.  I struggle finding time to follow who I’m actually following, and I am 5 months behind on personal email.   I’m up to April at this point. Even my Mother is waiting for me to acknowledge I’m still alive.  My friends and family have given up.  I just don’t have bandwidth to reply to DM’s from every follower, view external links, especially if I am unable to really follow them yet.  Plus the fact that they overstepped a personal boundary already puts them at an immediate disadvantage.

Again, I come from a different time.  I need foreplay.  I need someone to knock on my front door first before attempting to enter through my rear door.  And with followers increasing at a rapid pace, it has become a daily and follower by follower occurrence.  It has become the rule rather than the exception.  I seem to get about 10 of these DM’s a day or more, all from new followers over the last three weeks.  Each one has immediately plugged something without even saying hello.   They have tried to sell me something or requested I go somewhere and do something, or worse asking me to follow someone else too or their other accounts.

I will reply to most of the DM’s from the past three weeks, but please have patience.  A few really pushed boundaries and I completely blocked and unfollowed them.  My primary goal for being on Twitter is to follow the 100 people I am actually following, blog 2 times a week to build my platform and to promote my book.  And I am struggling to do this.  In the past 3 weeks, due to response, I went from a bi-weekly post to 4 times in one week!  I haven’t slept very much and golfing has suffered as well as personal relationships and other weeknight activities.   

I understand we all need to help each other increase our networks and get our messages out.  At some point soon, I will be shamelessly promoting my own book, and I hope that doesn’t mean I will resort to inappropriate DMs.  And perhaps some of us will help each other reach personal goals. 

So I know I need to learn how to accept this new age social media behavior or get the hell out.  To the authors and publishers that DM’d me in the past three weeks, I promise to respond to all of you.  Hopefully by mid-September.  Anyone I have already responded to, we are good. 

I am traveling extensively mid-October thru January, so all activity will be coming to a grinding halt soon, including blogs, book and twitter.  I will lose momentum and followers during this period of time due to inactivity, but I just won’t have the bandwidth to do any of it while traveling.

My ask is that if I follow you back in response to your Twitter follow of me, please engage me publicly first.  I don’t need you to DM me a thank you!  You can thank me via public tweet or save yourself the tweet.

In public, tell me why you are following me, say something to me based on why you followed me, and if/when the time becomes appropriate, we can move into private conversation through DM.

To those of you who have already successfully engaged me and speak to me primarily or only in DM, this entire post is not aimed at you.  We have already done the dance.  I have even met some of you personally (in reality!) and call you my friend now.  And that is a very cool and unexpected outcome from joining Twitter.   I am truly grateful for these connections.

My hope is to be able to engage with each and every follower at some point in public and possibly later in DM, but it will take me substantial time.  I hope you stick around after this post.  I am doing the best I can, which is a frenetic pace!!

As I tweet every week and sometimes daily,   THANK YOU for following me!!!!!  I really mean that.  Response has been humbling and definitely appreciated.